Love Me Right

I remember hearing my friend say 20 years ago, I want someone who will "love me right". I am just now getting around to where I really understand that statement. I don't think that she was being selfish, I think she saw in her lifetime, marriages that failed due to people being there for only what they could get out of marriage relationship and not giving anything in return. She was saying that love shouldn't be just one-sided and and just given to a physical relationship, and if it was that way, she couldn't take part in that type of relationship. When someone makes their story of love "only" about themselves, that is so one-sided. That is so selfish and that's not love. Love is about making the other person feel special, Love is about the other person. When it's only about just receiving love, it's not love. Love does not just receive, but focuses on giving. Love that does not give or sacrifices is not love. A love relationship must be two becoming one. It must be about building the family unit. As a young person I thought my chosen mate would just love me for me and I would love her for her. I thought that people really wanted to have happiness and wholeness and not this generic type of relationship you see in modern day marriages. I see relationships where one partner will say if it doesn't work I will just get a divorce. Then get out of the marriage when a little adversity comes. Some would grow weary of the marriage and look for another mate while still in the marriage. Some would say I don't want this now, I made a mistake. Again growing up and looking forward, I thought that in marriage we would have some issues occasionally, but would work to resolve them. It was the environment in which I was brought up. The environment was one where my mother and father was always giving in marriage. Yes they had arguments from time to time but they allowed my brother and I to see them resolve them. I also have two friends that have that special relationship with each other. I was given the opportunity to reside with them about 6months and during that time I got to see them in close proximity. He treated her very tenderly in public, but also in private. i got to see how she treated him with care and how she responded to his care. They had a genuine love and respect for each other. Yes they had their times of disagreement, but they recognized that disagreements were just fleeting. Some people thrive on drama. It is what they live for from day to day. I remember watching the soap operas with my relatives, during the times of intense debating they would all gather seemingly to take notes. They would rehearse arguing with their friends from the things they observed on the soaps. Some would even initiate verbal bouts with others. I vowed never to be a part of these type of conflicts. I would generally tell someone, you win, if I perceived it to be drama. In essence, I was saying to them, I don't want to argue with you if we are not trying to come to an understanding, we are wasting time. Coming to and understanding is not swearing at me or insulting me or my personality. Coming to an understanding is not shouting insults concerning my family. I also remember being with a family that had no respect for each other. They flung insults like general conversation. To insult their partner was as easy as breathing. These persons became enemies after a while. They blame each other for everything. There is was sense of personal responsibility. They went on to their second or third marriage repeating the same behaviour over and over again. Love me right is say I want you to lo e me as I love you. Let's have the understanding that fights just momentary and in the long course they will mean nothing at all. They are usually a waste of time. Learning to listen and really hear what the other person is saying is primary. Also being able to say what they communicated back to them is essential. At that point you can respond. Love me right means that we both expect to be in it for the long haul. Marriage is for life with my best friend.

Don't urinate on me and tell me it's raining

I have a relative who says, " it is the way I am and you have to accept me for it". The same relative will criticize you for what he considers your nasty ways. The irony of some people. In relationships we know there is there is some giving and some taking. We know that there has to be some acceptance of people's weaknesses and faults. But when one does not accept your faults and say that you must accept theirs, that is so beyond the scope of reality. I must accept your anger but you cannot accept my untidiness. I must accept your not wanting to cook, and you cannot accept my manliness. In reality, there are some things that we should not accept. In general, but there are many things that we should accept about each other. In the movie Good Will Hunting, the psychologist to Will, played by Robin Williams, tells a story of his dear departed wife, and the things he misses about her most. It was not the most outstanding things in her personality such as the sweet times or the good times, but her idiosyncrasies. Years ago this struck a chord in me. "Her idiosyncrasies".  Just to think the things that we get mad about from day to day. It was what are fondly remembered. How can this be? It would cause him to chuckle in retrospect. He knew that she was the love of his life. There wasn't a day that went by that he would not think of her. In relationship, in my relationships, the acceptance of the person is, who they really are is substance of a true relationships are made up of. Can you relate to that?

My aforementioned relative, will literally give you the clothes off of his back. He still has an anger management problem. Every time he does not get his way, he wants to make you feel that you are the problem. It does not matter that he started it are you started it you are the problem. It seems, he loves drama. He is a drama king. When he becomes angry and swells up, he will say just about anything and everything. Hey maybe even whirl an object at you. His first words are you don't get it, you really don't get it. He gives the impression, it is about what he wants, not what anyone else wants. To me, this sounds like some love relationships. It's my way or the highway. He insists on saying that he is not the problem. He says that his way will work because it has work for him before.

One Two Three

Imagine living together forever, happily ever after. What does it take for this to happen from day one to the last moments of our lives in this existence? What are the steps? Is it moment by moment process, or does it take a day month or a year or a decade for us to learn to act a certain way? Are we actors playing a role? Is it the life skills that we have learned over the years that we need to put to use? I realize that we all have the same goal of making it to the finish line, but we have different thoughts on how to get there.

Some of us spend our lives counting, whether it be the things that we do for the other person, or perhaps what we perceive as lies from the other person, we count to give ourselves the advantage.  Our compromise is another form of counting. Bringing to the other person's the wrong that they did to you.

Why do we put ourselves into this prison of unhappiness? This is too great  of a burden to carry. It is also a great burden for the other person to carry. Why should you have to keep up with the other person's faults. You say that I will never put up with his or her faults. It is a wonder how you have survived for as long as you have. Thinking perhaps that you have the advantage.

Beginning and End part 1

Just as sure as there is a beginning there is and ending. How relationships start in joy and ecstasy they sometimes end in sadness is beyond me.
I will never cease to be amazed how the small things that wouldn't bother anyone in the beginning now hurt us with all intensity.
It is the Bible that says, it is the small foxes that spoil the vine. As an adult, I am rather disturbed by the fact that when we find a mate and marry them, we have all of these feelings that we call love, Many of them hard to described. We know or feel instinctively that this is our mate. Yes there are things that we may or may not like, but we think that we can live with them or perhaps these things will change. We like what we feel when we are with them, a sense of being or belonging.
We walk in confidence and assurance that we have made the right choice. If we are pray-ers, we have put in much time asking God to direct our choices. Wow how ironic. At the end of the journey,when we seem that we have gained so much more "so called" knowledge, we think we should have chosen better. '
We go on for many years in a quandary wondering why we made our choice, especially if the person changes up on us or we start expecting more of them than they are able to give.
At this point no one can do anything right.
Someone is always wrong.
Someone is always doing something the wrong way.
No one is interested in being patient.
No one is being considerate.
We began to count the wrongs
Sounds self serving  doesn't it? Well it is! In my estimate, at this point no one is willing to give for the sake of the first principle of love, and that is love gives itself. I want, I want , I want...
This is the point where one of the spouses may add another person into the mix, thus making this environment more complicated. or a person could have been added long before this point.
If this is the way relationships end who wants to start one, or be in one.

Laying all the jokes aside throw the mistakes under the kitchen

Sometimes when you see people scrambling to fix a problem that they themselves  caused by trying to deceive or hurt another person is very eye-opening. To watch this backstroking is sometimes hilarious, but also sad.  I feel that God will sometimes allow your enemies to fall in front of your face and you feel more  sorrow than vindication.  There are the times when you feel total vindication.  Then ther'e are the times when what ever happens the chapter seems to never end. 
I have learn from past experiences that forgiving your enemies releases you from the pain and body of hatred. It is the same hatred that will in turn cause you to impose the  same behavior on another; Hatred will cause you to suffer sickness in your own body. So the best remedy  for somebody that he imposed themselves on me is to forgive them. To forgive does not mean for me to allow their behavior to keep happening. Just if someone stepped on my toe, will I allow it to happen over and over again? Eventually I will either move my foot or or stop the action against my person. Yes we have been taught to turn the other  cheek but there are circumstances where we must tell the other person to get off of my foot. I remember hearing it like this. Some times people will live in accordance with the Scripture,  but there are times that you have to help some live it.

Watch As Well As Pray

Which deserves the most attention, watching or praying? Which stands tallest in your life? In the last 10 years or so people have given the most attention to the subject of prayer, when to pray how to pray, why to pray. What we have learned is that there are many opinions on the subject of prayer. To me what counts most is that we make it a lifestyle. A consistent prayer life keeps us grounded. We are told in scripture to watch as well as pray.

Watching on the other hand is a subject to which I, in this venue will deal very lightly. I loved the story of Gideon when growing up as a child. One of the things Gideon watched for while selecting a small yet courageous army for the Lord, he watched the men while drinking. The select group drink-ed from the water source and watched everything that moved around them, much like dogs do when they drink. The significance was most people when enjoying some type of activity will relax and not watch the things around them. The example is a picture of those who are alert even when it is a time to relax. We as people will only watch when we are told that it is time to be attentive.

As you know the blogs in this series of blogs are about relationships as I think in my inner being.

There is no time to relax in relationships. There is always something going going on in the mind of the other person. Many marriages and relationships fail when one of the individuals stop watching. They say that, "I didn't see it coming". Watching deserves the same amount of attention as praying.

Love Don't Act Like That

Have you ever wished that you never said what you said or did what you did? Do you have any regrets for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time?

Sometimes you wish that you could take things back. Like it is said, it is like a stone thrown. The force of the throw will cause the stone to go further than intended. Anger causes us to do and say things that we would not otherwise say. Yes, we loose control, the things that we would not possibly say out of our mouth pour out like a sieve. Where is the governor? It is lost in the anger. Why do we allow the things to take control of the things that we can just keep to ourselves? This is the the beginning of the end when we say thing to purposely offend the other. Why must we continue to act like children. Actually children do not act like that. Then the question becomes why must we as adults act like that in the name of love. That can't be love. Love "does not" behave itself in an unseemly way. Love does not testify against itself as couples do. Love can not be just the feeling of attraction that we feel for each other when we are drawn to each other, but even when we do not feel the attraction love must continue.

Love is many things to many people, but it cannot be an act, but rather an action in favor of the other rather that the self. It must be a denial of the self and an exalting of the other. The practice or life style of love is a determination to esteem others higher than your self. Yes, there is self love. And there is love that satisfies the self for a moment, but that love is incomplete without the object of another. It is lifeless and selfish. Again the stress here is "relationships". Relationships are never just focused on one, but rather the focusing on the unit as a whole. It is what is good for the whole. Love doesn't act, it responds, but moreover it anticipates the need of the other. It seeks the need of the other for the nutrition of the whole.